© 2019 by Renee Mitchell Speaks. All Rights Reserved.

   "Words have power.

Choose them wisely."

My Twysted Healing Manifesto

(c) 2014 S. Renee Mitchell

* Words and phrases noted by the "*" and in italics are quoted from “My Twisted World," a 140-plus page manifesto by Elliot Rodger, who is accused of killing six people in Santa Barbara, Calif., before taking his own life in May 2014.

 

i might surprise u
for harboring compassion for a killer
he died the same way he lived
desperately  violently  pathetically
hoping someone anyone
would stop & take notice
*I felt very small, weak, above all, worthless*


with half-breed eyes
shrouded in jealousy & self-hate
elliot rodger hungrily craved
his 22-year-long virginity
would be cancelled
validated like a metro bus card
by the people he thought mattered

*I was completely and utterly alone*


it wasn’t so much that
bikinied blonde beach babes
refused to see him
watching waiting
panting for female attention
they couldn’t
he reeked of repeated rejections
his energy must have been
so incased in inferiority
self imposed isolation
unpolished irritability
it blocked any possibilities
of seeing his true potential
*inferior and undesirable*
*unwanted and miserable*


someone who claimed to know him said
“he was the loneliest child

I have ever seen”
i guess he thought family friend
was enough qualification
to adequately size up an intense longing
that few adults ever bothered to address

 

who are u to judge

see i have been there
 *outcast, lone and unwanted*
the bitter words & pitiful phrases
elliot chose to describe his wretched life
were stolen from my diary
i wrote them first
i knew them intimately
i whispered those prayers
*always with the hope that some young people
would reach out and befriend me*

i lived those words
*but no one did*


what he & i both thought was
adequate medicine for our misery
never presented lasting relief
*i cried for hours and hours*
after each cycle of promise
of the rising sun
bequeathing new beginnings
i still hated being me
still wished my invisibility
would magically wash away
like the dirt off a dusty boot
make me whole again
necessary praiseworthy
*cursed with bad luck*
almost desirable


*no one reached out to me*

*no one knew i existed*

how many times
have u smugly passed us by
a homeless man who stinks to high heaven
a woman who seeks love at the end of a fist
a shy kid who silently eats lunch alone
day after day after day
& reassured yrself
that he or she was
someone else’s problem to fix

how many times
have u fretted that yr life
doesn’t quite match up to the lies
posted, tweeted & rated
on (anti)social networks
or splashed across the glossy pages
of overpriced gossip magazines
*my life is so pathetic*

 

i know what it’s like to feel worthless
*insulted, humiliated, cast out, bullied*
even by people who share my bloodline
don’t act like u didn’t know
u who see me & think u know me
yeah i too hated u once
cheerfully delighted
in fleeting fantasies
of yr agonizing torture & slow death
i even despised
the rhythm of yr stupid breathing
i admit that now
then
i only wished the thoughts i speak


it took some time
to realize i was willingly
giving u the power to make me whole
i forgive my insensitive negligence
why i thought yr
support approval love friendship
was so damn precious
i don’t even know


the stench of that mystery
lingered for decades
eventually i had to dig deep
unearth long buried wounds
to discover yr thievery of my self esteem
was an inside job

i left my doors & windows unlocked
hoping one day
u would bring me
something besides criticism
conflict & confusion
when the only lasting confirmation
of my worth & validation
was in my own imperfect hands
silly me c'mon say it with me
"po' chile she didn’t know no better"

 

*one smile was all it took

to brighten my day*

now closer to the end than not
my ego’s lesions are mostly healed
though i still require self care
pampering & reminding
that approval from others is fleeting
fierce confidence
warrior strength
are intrinsically mine
always have been
i just didn’t recognize it then
*worthlessness*
*suffering*


when circumstances shift
vicious rumors swirl
haters try to pummel my peace
or deny my brilliance
i cling tightly to my inner core
for one day those clouds will shift
to reveal my inexhaustible light
whose purpose do i serve
to deny that divine truth
*ridiculed for far too long*


don’t even bother to apologize
u can only see
what u recognize within u

precious one
isn’t it time u realized
that no one
NO ONE
no fucking body
can ever love u better
than u love yrself